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essenceofrainbows

Scribblings of an Intriguing Mind

Come Home, Santa

Dear Santa,

While the wintery hymns embrace me in nostalgia, I’m thinking of myself sitting in a kindergarten classroom some sixteen years ago, furnished with the old sleigh-style wooden desks. I could hear the tuneful voices high and sweet, reaching out across the airwaves echoing brightly from the school chapel of vaulted ceilings and flickering candles. Around this time a Catholic teacher handed me a book that spoke of you. She spoke of you as a joyous white-bearded man with a round belly who drops off joy to everyone in all lands. She told me you make wishes come true.

For as long as I could remember, I used to fantasize about the idea of you. I used to read about you and your reindeers and elves. My favorite was Rudolph because he was different from all the other reindeers, curious and mischievous. I loved how his bright red nose helped you navigate the skies in his big sleigh. It somehow indicated that being different could be the light that shines across someone’s path.

You were hands down one of the best things about my childhood. You were the grandfather I never had. You were brave, smart, kind, and selfless – every quality that we all should emulate. You made my Christmas exciting, got me presents even when I wasn’t the nicest of kids.

This Christmas, come home Santa. Now that I’m an adult, let’s talk. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been. It’s been a while now, old friend.

Come home and I’ll make you a glass of creamy eggnog. We will sit by the fireplace on the white carpet, warming our hands and feet. Reminisce with me over the stars that were born, the stories that were old, the tales that were told. You can tell me how the reindeers are stubborn, how the chimneys are dusty, the roofs sloppy. Maybe you can fix the star on my Christmas tree while we listen to carols and munch on cookies and candies, it’s already too sweet for me anyway.

This Christmas, come home. I’ll be your friend. It’s a big old world and it gets lonely sometimes, I know.

As we grow up, we start to think and formulate our own opinions about things. But, growing up also taught me that we can sometimes believe in things that are logically not comprehensible. Because believing in something is beautiful. It gives us hope and the strength to grow. To believe in something as magical as you, Santa, gives purpose to an otherwise mundane existence. So, I’m betting on you to exist, old man. Even if it’s only in my imagination.

Sincerely,
The girl who grew up.

Note : The magic of Christmas shows when people believe. I’m not saying to believe in Santa (you can if you want though). I want you to believe in yourself. Believe your instincts and perspectives. Because without beliefs, all the goodness of this world will be lost. Even though I don’t believe in Santa climbing down the chimney with gifts, but I do believe in other intangible things. I believe that good things happen to those who wait, who deserve. Life is not always cruel and one day you will be rewarded. Something amazing is out there for every one of us – we just have to find it.

A Glint of Sunlight

Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our life or if it’s the moments that make our life?

I sat in the balcony this morning looking outside as the sun slowly took its course of motion and brought the things around me to light. It was one of those days when only the flow of warm and fuzzy feelings took action, where the present experience is what makes everything better. At this moment, sitting face to face with the sun, we connected, and it taught me a few things about life.

The sun taught me that it takes a lot of effort to be vibrant. It takes dedication and commitment to light up a world covered in darkness. When, like the sun, the spirit of people is strongly focussed and vibrant, wonderful things happen. Realizing how our problems are everyday phenomena is an essential task from an early age. We weren’t taught that sunrise and sunset were everyday phenomena, were we? But, we know so as we rise up to them while other times just look at them with blank minds and tender hearts.

Also, every sunrise is going to look the same to us if we stop looking at it with different perspectives and meanings. Not being able to see the good or the bad through different visions aligns the mind in such fashion that it makes zero shivers giving the body an actual state of central nothingness. Exactly how facing ‘ups and downs’ is an everyday phenomenon, and without them, our existence is as dead as a doornail. Going through the ups and downs while our bodies and minds struggle to keep up are the things that push us hard and such things help us grow. As our growth curve broadens our horizons, we are able to come back to normal, grow, and become tougher than yesterday.

It also taught me that life is ‘sometimes’ about just giving and not expecting a thing in return. Be the light that helps others see and lighten their burdens because all of these little actions is a powerful pathway to personal growth and lasting happiness. Nevertheless, if we are feeling guilt-tripped into giving because that doesn’t always cheer us up, chances are we will not be very committed to the cause over time. Therefore, the key is to find an approach that fits us.

Nature gives us the direction, the inspiration, or for some people the perception, which helps them sit patiently and introspect over the ideas. We share a connection with nature wherein time, and again nature visits our conscious space to remind us of our divergence. It’s in those visits we are being taught things. All it requires is our willingness to see everyday phenomena with enthusiasm and take note.

It’s not always necessary to ‘get out of the box’ like we often hear as I know it gets hard at times. Sometimes, looking through a few doors and windows is enough.

Well, sometimes, I repeat.

Voids of Chaos

It might be weird to ask this question to a happy person. But do you know what depression feels like?
Is it just the same as being sad all the time?

“I’d tell you, but you won’t believe me.”

“I will. Please tell me. I want to know.”

“Darkness. Void. Emptiness. You don’t know what brought you here or how long you’ll have to be here. You try hard to get out of here, but you cannot. Sometimes you have a reason to feel this way. But in worse cases, you don’t even know what is making you feel this way. It’s dark. It’s scary. You lose hope. You lose will. You change. You change entirely from within.
You lose interest in activities that you once loved to do. Loved to draw? Drawing doesn’t give you any enjoyment anymore. Loved to paint your nails with detailed designs? You can’t gather so much patience anymore. Loved to sing and dance when nobody was home? You don’t have the energy anymore. Loved listening to music? Music sounds like loud noise now.
You want to go out and talk to people or hang out with your friends, but you cannot. Usually, you don’t even feel like it. Life seems to rush past you. Like you’re just doing your chores, but you don’t feel like you’re doing them; it feels automatic.
Love cheese and hate apples? Both taste the same now. You become apathetic to everything. Your life patterns change. You don’t feel like eating. You can’t sleep. You wake up in the middle of the night and have dark thoughts. But you don’t want to get out of bed or do any work. Small things feel like huge tasks. Climbing a flight of stairs is like going up a steep mountain. But you don’t have so much energy. You get this weird sensation in your hands and chest. You overthink. You feel guilty for seemingly little things. Your eyes feel heavy because you cry so much. But sometimes they feel heavy because you cannot cry.
You want the noise to be quiet and the lights to be dim. You want to smile and laugh from within, but you cannot. You don’t know why you’re being denied this privilege. You go on different tracks and get into activities and habits which give you temporary pleasure. That becomes your sole escape.
You don’t want to talk about your problems and bring negativity to someone’s life. You don’t tell your friends, thinking they might treat you differently. You don’t tell your parents or relatives because you don’t know how to. You might hear things like “gather yourself up”, “it’s just a phase”, “stop being an attention seeker”, and that you have no “real problems”. The truth is, sometimes you don’t even need problems to trigger it. It’s not about being in a phase. Some suffer for years. And all that while they have to listen to things like, “depression affects those who aren’t strong, who can’t handle problems”.
You don’t know what to do. Where to go? Who to talk to? And how? So you just let things go the way they are. And believe that one day you’ll ask for help when you find someone ready to offer it with all of his/her heart and soul. Someone who convinces you that he/she won’t get burdened while helping you recover. Someone ready to hold your hand as you cry, or sit in silence. Someone who’s just there for you. And most importantly, someone who manages to get that fear out of you.”

“What fear?”

“The fear that you’ll be called an attention seeker when you ask for help, and you’ll fall deeper into depression. Because, under a mask of happiness, there lives the real depressed you, which most people wouldn’t believe.”

“And how do you know all this?”

“I’d tell you, but.. “

“But?”

“You wouldn’t believe me, just like most people.”

N.B. : For the ones concerned, this is not my personal experience and I’m not going through any kind of depression. I just tend to feel/observe things deeply and sometimes those things aren’t directly related to me.

Flames of Love and Betrayal

Hidden tears residing beneath thick eyelashes, filled with horrors of the holocaust memories. Surrounded by huge flames and smoke, my cheeks flushed, burning in the eternal flame of your betrayal. I felt a flare of delight, a few ruins of broken promises and faded love.

You are a lost song, whose tune left deep stinging sensation even today. You are a vicious charm, a poisonous stroke, a painful dynamism, some marvelous imagination.
When you looked at me, a single look was enough, just enough to ignite a spark. Spark turning into a wild ferocious fire. I could have spent my entire life with you, turning my heart into a slaughterhouse of your memories.

I am a speck of dust out of the ashes, hovering above my misery and your endless guilt. My teardrops moist the dry, heated air.
Perhaps you look up to the heaven in carefree abandon, a part of me kiss your face, gently at first and then with the passion of that speck of dust making love to the ruins of blackness all around.

This is an indispensable fact that you will be always fond of me. I am one of your hidden and ignominious story that you have tried to bury and even succeeded. You can wash off the stains, but the guilt will haunt you forever.
Sometimes certain things are not meant to be forgotten, not meant to be forgiven, not meant to be healed. Rather they should be preserved.

Somewhere, a few grim miles away, under another pile of rubble, I lie lifeless, my blood joining the dirt and ashes only to greet you as you leave for work tomorrow.

I will fade away slowly, as waves wash the shore, turning into a mere memory, but only after your pristine blood merges with mine.

Errors of Destiny

Love! Love is not a mere four letter word. It has a larger than life meaning. Love gives you happiness as well as sadness. No dictionary can define what love truly is. Love is unfathomable. Love is priceless.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, experience love, the pure form of love.
Every love is not true love. Every love does not last for a lifetime. Some love stories are meant to be short-lived. Whereas, some are a life long promise to be fulfilled. For some lucky souls, ‘forever together’ is a dream come true. For some, ‘forever’ is a lie.

In some love stories, the boy leaves the girl and in some, the girl leaves the boy. But in some rare situations, destiny leaves them. Destiny is the bridge between two people. Sometimes it brings two people close, and sometimes it makes them go far apart.

There comes a time in relationships when you cannot be together anymore. It is that time when we realise that we are not meant for each other. The reason behind breaking apart maybe fading love, future insecurities, family problems, broken promises, trust issues, or anything else which are sometimes, beyond our imagination.

There are those incompletely complete love stories where you cannot be with that person whom you still love, for the happiness of either one, or both considering the future.
You still have feelings for that person but on the other hand, you focus on the betterment of individual life.
You still know that all the love you’s were true and all the miss you’s were not just fascinating words, but were from the deepest bottom of your heart. You still know that you can set everything on track by a single text or call, but then again, you know the consequences of it and therefore, you back off.

The more you will be together today, the more difficult it will be to part ways later. Knowing that you cared for that person’s happiness more than yours, will give you enough courage, even if it does not reduce your pain of moving on.
Love is more about watching the other person happy than caring about your existence in that happiness. Love is innocent, but love demands sacrifice.

Happily ever after is not the criteria in love, but happiest for whatever you had is what gives immense joy. Your sacrifice will be paid, you will always know that you cared the most for that person. More than you cared for yourself.

Lost Found and Reversed

It was a breezy Friday evening. The young man hurried down the stairs. As he entered the subway platform, he took his ticket and waited for the train to arrive.

After few minutes, the train arrived. The door in front of him opened, and there he saw a beautiful woman with big black eyes standing at the edge of the door. She looked familiar.
His eyes were automatically fixed on her. As she was getting down, she missed a step and was about to fall. The man grabbed her arm to help her. She looked up to see him.

“Um, are you okay?” his voice chimed and his brown eyes sparkled.
“Y-y-yeah I’m okay” she was still in shock after looking at his face.

They soon recognized each other. They had gone to the same college. They shared a brief conversation and as the train was about to depart, the man unwillingly bid her goodbye.
The man thought about the woman and several memories from the past started scampering around inside his head.

A few days later, the man was sitting at his friend’s jewellery shop. He started narrating his friend about this woman he saw the other day. He said how he always had a crush on her since his college days, but could not make up to confess this to her.
He have deviced many plans to make her realise how much he loves her but everytime she came in front of him, he would become speechless and get lost in her drop dead gorgeousness.

In this way the college years passed and finally they went their separate ways. All these years, he could not forget her, her big black eyes, her enchanting smile, her chirpy voice, her long brown hair, her everything. He had a special kind of attraction towards her, which was much more than just a mere crush.
And now after so many years, destiny has let them meet again.

“You could have asked for her number, buddy” said his friend with a concerned look.

He felt he made a mistake by not asking her number or any other way to contact her.
Well, as fate would have it, two women walked inside the shop. His friend got ready to attend his customers and welcomed them. His eyes got fixed on one of the women who was the same girl he met the other day.

He thanked his destiny once again and finally decided to confess his true feelings for her. He gathered all his courage and practised his lines in his mind which he would say to her.

“How can I help you ma’m?” asked his friend to the ladies.
“We have come here to choose our wedding rings” said the woman, with big black eyes.

Treasure the Happiness

Happiness is a blessing. Happiness is a ray of hope for those neglected lonely souls, cared by none. Happiness should be treasured.

How often do you feel sad?
There are days when your hope seems to fade away. You lose interest in everything. You think of going out and talk to people so that you can come out of the sadness, but you cannot.
You lose sleep, you lose appetite, you get thoughts which are dark and scary. You feel lifeless, your whole body aches and you feel weird sensations all over your body.
You seek for silence, prefer the lights to be dim, you just can’t laugh or be happy. You want to run away from here, in order to end your suffering.

Life is a moment’s bliss, life is temporary. Look forward to make your life large, not long.

Smile through your tears, laugh at all the confusions life prepares for you, rather than grieving over it. Always remember, everything happens for a reason. Make your daily life a ride of beautiful moments.

Do not complain because rose bushes have thorns, instead be happy that thorn bushes have roses.

Look for happiness in every little thing you do. Read a book, watch the sunset, and feel the happiness of the moment. Life is for celebrating love, getting into strange adventures, having deep conversations, and creating memories, rather than cursing each and everything.

Make this world a place where people can laugh till their stomach hurts, where you can share hugs and giggles with everyone around, only then you can feel proud to be a part of it.

Happiness is the sunshine after the violent storm, the dawn after the darkest night, and it is a great, great gift.

By the Broken Bench

The sky consisted of small paragraphs of black clouds as the surroundings got refreshed by the aura of the rain even before it started raining.

There she sat on the broken bench beside the empty playground. The bench looked as if it was there only for those two persons, detached from the rest of the world.
She looked at the sky above. Her eyes were like deep blue oceans and at the center, there seemed a black stone. It was blacker than a clear night sky and darker than a thousand night skies woven together. And then she saw him, beside her. There was a gleam in her eyes like glare of sunlight reflecting from the blue ocean waters.

He smiled looking at her, the ever so mesmerising smile that she forever longed for.
There were like a series of memories that they have together. Remembering every moment spent together brought glistening smiles on their faces.

She looked at him and asked, “What does love mean to you?”
He blinked and said, “Love is an excuse for the miseries in your life and yet it is the reason to be happy in all the moments that make up a life.”
The corner of her mouth twitched slightly, spreading into a wide knowing grin.

The rain started pouring lightly as small silver droplets hit the ground playing harmonic rhythm for the two innocent souls sitting on the bench.

The girl held his hand and looked into his eyes, “You always say, it is the light emanated from only my eyes which, when fixed on yours, produced that gleam. But you failed to notice that my eyes shined like bright sunlight only in your presence. Your absence dimmed the lights and brought darkness.”

He held her hands tighter and inclined close to her, as his breath mingled with hers, it felt even better than the aura of the rain.

At first she sat still, sinking into the moment’s bliss and then a cold feeling clutched at her heart.
The rain was pouring heavily, the wind turned violent, the droplets of rain hitting the ground was now hurting her ears. A knot formed in her stomach, she could hardly breathe.

She could not feel him beside her. He was gone. She looked at the distant sky, as her vision got blurred because of the tears in her eyes.

She spoke to herself, “How can he be here, when he does not belong to this world anymore.”

Destined for Existence

Have you ever stopped to think about your existence? Were you destined to be born in this universe, this solar system, this planet, or were you even destined to be born, in the first place?

At that time, when you were born, new to this world and at this time, when you have spent a considerable amount of time in this world, do you think you are the same person today? Do you remember the talents you once possessed, the dreams you have seen as a child, your thoughts, your innocence, before the world told you what it should be like? Where is that ‘you’? Ruined and distorted by the people of this planet, right?

Think about what you once thought you would do, but couldn’t look up to it as it either seemed out of the track or it wasn’t accepted by the society. You sacrificed your dreams to match up to the level of the society.
Now look at what you have ended up doing. The people of this planet have dominated over your thoughts and actions.

Is our individuality just an illusion that goes into oblivion as we grow up and start moulding ourself into someone who we are not?

You always knew what you wanted to do, how you wanted your life to be, but you have let it traverse through time while focussing on achieving things that the world made you fascinate about. It made you think otherwise.

Do you ever sit back and think about every forgotten dream of yours?
All those things that you did not do and now your life turned into a mess or into something that you didn’t want, in the first place.

Dont you ever in your life felt that you dont belong here, before you tried to convince yourself otherwise?
Are you sure you were destined to be here? On this planet, with us, born to those two, friends to those people, being loved by that person.

Think about it, only if you want to make your life more complicated. Else, thank you for reading.

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